Hoja de Ruta para Hervir una Rana (Altavoz)

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En 1888 el Dr. W. T. Sedgwick publicó en Studies from the Biological Laboratory de la Universidad Johns Hopkins los resultados de sus experimentos sobre la respuesta fisiológica de las ranas al calor, y describió paso a paso como hervir una rana viva:

Lo primero es evitar a toda costa introducirla en el agua hirviendo, ya que la rana saltaría: Aléjese de la extrema izquierda en la segunda vuelta, desautorizando a sus asesores radicales y rodeándose de personajes como intelectuales advenedizos, ex - presidentes, Premios Nobel y Marqueses, de preferencia aquellos que encarnen más de una de estas características al mismo tiempo.

Una vez que la rana esté en la olla con agua, tenga mucha paciencia, ya que solo usted conoce el objetivo final. La rana se sentirá cómoda en su medio natural: Mantenga un buen equipo en el BCR, asegúrese que la economía la maneje un buen Ministro ortodoxo e independiente, muérdase la lengua y repita que las inversiones extranjeras son buenas.

Paulatinamente, caliente el agua, pero siguiendo las instrucciones del Dr. Sedgwick al pie de la letra: “si la temperatura se eleva en forma cuidadosamente gradual, la rana no saltará.” Es el momento de dejar que las protestas contra las inversiones tomen su curso pero usted mantenga una posición neutral. Saque el máximo provecho de la inercia económica producto de políticas pasadas, y no distraiga al pueblo de la sensación de bienestar. No deje que su popularidad caiga por debajo del 55%.

Estamos ya llegando al punto sin retorno. Cuando el agua ya esté realmente caliente, la rana puede exhibir esporádicas y a veces imperceptibles contracciones y espasmos, pero ya habrá perdido la capacidad de saltar así que no se preocupe: A través de pequeños ajustes administrativos o interpretaciones legales, re-introduzca el servicio militar obligatorio, paralice todas las concesiones evitando así la entrada de más capitales extranjeros,  y empiece a recuperar el rol empresarial del Estado, idealmente comprando empresas en el sector hidrocarburos para poder empezar a controlar los precios de los combustibles y el gas.

Finalmente, y siempre y cuando haya seguido las instrucciones del Dr. Sedgwick en forma minuciosa, aproveche que aún mantiene popularidad y haga ajustes a la Constitución (de ser posible cambiándola totalmente) para poder perpetuarse en el poder, ya sea en su versión criolla tradicional, o “a la Kirchner.”

La rana ya estará hervida. Habrá sufrido, a toda vista, una Gran Transformación.

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